On influence and letting go

I’ve been doing a lot of well-intentioned, but ultimately unnecessary, chauffeuring lately. While planning out our move (which at long last will be over this week), I worried that the stress of starting a new school partway through the year while simultaneously changing homes would be too much for my daughter. She is almost 5 years old, and home and school are her touchstones. I pictured myself as a 5-year-old, who had trouble adapting to school due to crippling shyness and a fear of all things new and different. I decided to enroll at the new school nearly a month before our move date, so the big changes could happen in more manageable stages. This resulted in a ridiculous amount of driving: 3 to 4 hours total per day, depending on traffic. As if to mock me, gas prices rose just in time for these mini odysseys.

I underestimated my daughter. I was ready for tears and adjustment issues as we packed boxes and she had to say her goodbyes to her now-former classmates and teacher. Here’s the thing: my daughter isn’t me. She’s almost my polar opposite. She showed up on the first day of school excited to meet new people and try out a new situation. When I picked her up that afternoon, she was bursting with stories and exuberance… and exhaustion from a fun day. Just before passing out in her carseat, she murmured, “I can’t wait until we move closer to my new school.” I understood then who she is: an adventurer, a positive thinker, and a lover of life. I had allowed my own worry, stemming from childhood, to overshadow my knowledge of my daughter. All that driving, all that time strapped in a carseat, and she could have been happier tackling two new events at once.

Two of my biggest parenting fears often intersect to foil me: a fear that I will not be sensitive enough to her needs and world, and a fear that I will influence her too heavily with my own worries, hangups and wrongnesses. The women in my family (me included) have a tendency to over-worry and see the world through fearful eyes. I used to think it passed genetically, but as a parent, I’ve learned that it is passed through influence. I see how my daughter picks up on my tendencies through mere proximity: she copies me as we brush our hair in a mirror, and loudly repeats my conviction that animals are people, too. I am working so hard to change, to have a more open, trusting view of the world, to relax my intense sense of worry. I can’t help but be in awe of my daughter’s ability to be who she is, in spite of me. Like the saying goes, the student has bested the teacher.

We humans are intensely interconnected, so easily hurt and lifted and loved by one another. I see now that influence is inevitable; we all make unconscious gifts of bits and pieces of our psyches. Even if it isn’t a perfect gift, it is a teaching gift. And we each have to ability to take or reject influence to build ourselves as we see fit. Perhaps instead of focusing so intently on how I WON’T influence my little girl, I should think about how I WILL. In other words, I can show her how much I admire her intuitive ability to choose adventure over fear, and how much I love the person she is.

I can enjoy the influence we have on one another for the amazing connection it is: a mother and a daughter with deep shared love, each with something to teach and something to learn.

5 Things: Unexpected Facts of Love

The older I get, the more “love” matters to me; I believe it’s the most important driving force there is. Every time I think I understand the nature of love, I realize that what I know is a little drop in a giant bucket. I feel that love is the purest creative force; the one that moves us to create situations, actions and even physical manifestations like art, homes, and even children, out of our joy of just being, whatever we are, however we are – and our joy that everyone else is here, too.

For my own definition of “love”, I’ve always related most to Paulo Coelho’s ideas. Coelho is the author of some very beautiful books, beloved by many, such as The Alchemist.  Here are two quotes from him that I relate to:

“Love is an untamed force. When we try to control it, it destroys us. When we try to imprison it, it enslaves us. When we try to understand it, it leaves us feeling lost and confused.”

“This is what we call love. When you are loved, you can do anything in creation. When you are loved, there’s no need at all to understand what’s happening, because everything happens within you.”

Here are five things unexpected facts of love that I’ve learned in my life so far. How has love surprised you? What have you learned?

1. People you share love with will hurt you – and you will hurt them. It’s not on purpose; we’re all just people, after all, in our imperfect glory. Even when people hurt each other on purpose, it’s the result of some internal chaos preventing them from really seeing clearly. Often, when slighted, I think to myself, “Why would he/she do that to me? Don’t they love me?” The older I get, the more clear it is that forgiveness is all about understanding that people will make mistakes, some terrible and painful for others to bear, but ultimately, it doesn’t have to be a reflection on the love you share.
2. Love doesn’t exist in temporal boundaries. You can lose touch with someone for years; upon seeing them again, the love rushes back, even if in a more dilute form. Its potential to grow is still there. I’ve never ran into anyone I’ve previously loved, like a relative I haven’t seen since childhood, or even an old boyfriend, and not felt that potential. Even if you’re angry, or on bad terms, or the water’s still a flood and not anywhere near being under the bridge… love is still there, somewhere. It doesn’t mean you have to act on it and rekindle all old friendships – it just means that if you want to, the option is there.
3. Love is a really good guide. If you’re not sure about a job, a family situation, or even just a new pair of shoes, love will always be the best guide. Love is that “gut feeling”, the one that makes you turn down a promotion when everyone thinks you’re crazy so you can do something you love more, the one that even makes you pick the pair of shoes you’re wearing when you meet that special someone. Love is that core creative energy within that helps us make the best choices. The phrase, “his/her heart isn’t in it” isn’t just a glib expression. It’s a truth that if we don’t feel right about something, or can’t fully give ourselves over to it, we won’t experience the full potential of our job, our family, or even just our shoe purchases.
4. Love isn’t something to hide. A lot of people, under duress of social decorum, not wanting to seem overly friendly, or wanting to appear reasonable, keep the expression of love to themselves. There’s always an appropriate way to express love to those around you, and it tends to grow through its own expression. For example, you can’t spoil a kid with love. You can hug them, say sweet things and spend lots of time with a little one – and you’ll get it all back in spades. This is a lot different than the “I love you here’s proof” toy purchases, or embarrassing them with 10 kisses in the schoolyard. Let love express itself – it knows how to behave itself, I promise!
5. Love doesn’t come in amounts. It’s an energy that mysteriously powers itself. You never need to worry that there won’t be enough – that you won’t love a second child as much as your first, or that you don’t have it in you to add to your circle of friends. You can’t give away too much of it, and leave yourself vulnerable, as some people worry when they first enter a new relationship. Anytime I’ve given love, even if I’ve ended up breaking up with someone or moving away or some other worldly break, the love isn’t gone. After some time, I always realize I’ve been enriched in some way, and that I have plenty more love to go around.

I hardly need to say it at this point – I hope it’s self-evident, but I wish all readers of this blog… lots of love!